Characters I Wouldn't Be Surprised to See in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

The Super Smash Bros. series has a very close place to my heart. The original on the Nintendo 64 was the first video game I leaned hard on. Now we have Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and I have yet to get my hands on it (not to mention a Nintendo Switch). But with Joker from Persona 5 to receive an invitation and everybody going wild for the next third-party DLC fighter(s), it's getting hard keeping these thoughts to myself and I believe I got a pretty good idea on who got the best chances of entering the ultimate battle.

GamerGate and the Hard Pill I Swallowed

It was the summer of August 2014. I still remember watching videos of Five Guys and the delicious burgers they would cook up. The sizzle on the grill got my taste buds anticipating an experience I had to get out of my house to relish. Unfortunately that would have been a preferable alternative to what happened at the time.

The Millennial Case

This is an essay, folks! This is also a work of satire! Remember that. Please.

It's [current year]! The old generation is stepping down and the new generation is taking its place! Who are they? They are the Millennials and they are in the house! One of the healthiest, well-educated, and most open (more ways than one. Michael and Mustafa sleep with my girlfriend five times a week, which is four times more often than she sleeps with me, but we're in an open relationship so there isn't a problem) generation of people that stepped foot on Earth! Once all the baby boomers (more like baby goofers, am I right, my non-binary genderfluid friends) and all the people on the spectrum of the right-wing are thrown into the gas chambers, the Millennials will go down in history as the best, most glorious, awesome, open-minded, fantastic, humane, spectacular, totally not destructive, fabulous generation!

GG No Re

This is an essay, folks!

"You have one new message," the answering machine said in its robotic female voice. It plays a loud beep sound before it continues on. "This is Charles from the ramen restaurant. Your take-out is ready. Would you kindly come before it gets cold?" the man who left the message tells you. "End of message," the robotic voice from before returns. Seems like that was all there to it. Better go get that ramen! But oh no! You're not picking up ramen at the restaurant. In fact, the restaurant is actually a building where the communist Russian mafia operates. Or was it a random neo-Nazi gang? Doesn't matter who's operating what or whatever they were up to because now you're going around killing everyone inside and you're not going to stop until they're all dead.

Your Art Degree

This is an essay, folks! This is also a work of satire! Remember that. Please.

So here you are. You're here. You got accepted into that college/university/art school for your art degree. You've been waiting your whole life for this. Nothing's going to stop you now from making you and your parents proud. Your work is going to be displayed in the most elite art gallery. There's going to be wealthy high-class people (Jews) that are willing to pay $10,000 for the shit you made. Now imagine making a few more of them for $15,000. Wow! That might be enough to pay off your student loan of $95,000!