This is an essay, folks! This is also a work of satire! Remember that. Please.
It's [current year]! The old generation is stepping down and the new generation is taking its place! Who are they? They are the Millennials and they are in the house! One of the healthiest, well-educated, and most open (more ways than one. Michael and Mustafa sleep with my girlfriend five times a week, which is four times more often than she sleeps with me, but we're in an open relationship so there isn't a problem) generation of people that stepped foot on Earth! Once all the baby boomers (more like baby goofers, am I right, my non-binary genderfluid friends) and all the people on the spectrum of the right-wing are thrown into the gas chambers, the Millennials will go down in history as the best, most glorious, awesome, open-minded, fantastic, humane, spectacular, totally not destructive, fabulous generation!
In our new world, we will not allow anybody to be hurt. Especially if it has anything to do with how one feels. Because that's how our emotions and ego revolves around: our feelings. And if anything comes falling down because of something as silly as facts (whatever that means. Don't you pull out your statistics, data, evidence, or anything of that nature to me, you bigot), they can go into the trash (and prison for you. We can't let people like yourself running freely and inflicting such misery upon others with your rhetoric). People are allowed to be anything they want to be. The television and my favorite celebrities on social media have been saying the same thing, and they cannot be possibly wrong. That would be silly. What do they know, you ask? What I'm supposed to know. That's what they know. So take that!
You know what I and scientists (why are you calling them entertainers? They're scientists) know? Gender. Whoever thought there were only two genders in the world is an idiot. Gender is determined by how you feel during that time. Whether you're genderqueer or genderfluid. It has nothing to do with what's between your legs (people keep bringing up something called "chromosomes" but I know better than taking made up terms seriously). It is literally [current year] and yet, people STILL treat stone age beliefs as modern-day truths (and I'm laughing at you bigots for believing in something as stupid as "alternative facts." Truth is objective, right? Right? What was the definition for "objective"? I forgot). Seriously, if you don't think someone can be a demigirlboything one day and be "other" the next, you might have been drinking the Kool-Aid mixed by conservatives and republicans! How could you? And don't you dare misgender people on purpose, sir (or did you prefer miss? It? I'm sorry. I don't know what you are and I don't mean any offense. Please don't call the police on me).
Don't you start with how we'd be thrown into the gulags because we support communism. If there's anybody who's going to be imprisoned, it would be you cisgendered bigots. Communism had a rocky road for many people in the past, but for us, the most intellectual and well-educated generation of people to set forth, have figured out the problems that contributed to the downfall of countries that practiced communism, and just like the people who died under communism, it will be all history. Just let red become the new black (I'm not being racist. Colors being the new black is a common saying. Please don't threaten me. I'm a BLM supporter). I find it strange that those fascists keep saying that people (or demipeople, otherkin, et cetera) like us were seen as "degenerates" or some other derogatory term by people like Stalin. Like, seriously. The USSR and Che would absolutely accept us and all within the rainbow flag. It's just those fascists and their fearmongering. It's nothing but crap (fake news from you, republicans). Don't listen to them.
Speaking of not listening, here's a reminder to plug your ears whenever these right-wingers try to start up a conversation. That's what they want. Don't let them get it. There's a reason why wars are a thing. Despite the human species having a function to sit down and simply talk, it's stupid to do so. The days of debates and having an argument is finished. The pen being mightier than the sword is a myth. We're not going to budge and I'm sure as hell those right-wing bigots aren't either. Remember that we're open-minded, and that means we don't listen to people with a different view than ours. Because we're open-minded. That's what open-minded people do. Don't you dare start with how that's not being open-minded. We're the ones accepting the LGBTQ+ community, refugees, and people of various skin colors (white doesn't count) into our community. Not you. And shut up about having a conversation. I already said that's not going to happen. We know everything we need to know. Giving us more information about certain topics could be problematic, so let's avoid it altogether.
Now, I'm looking around the city and I have to wonder where all the hobos are coming from. With the economy being the way it is (which isn't good), my classmates could end up just like them. On the streets. No food. Home gone. Only difference is that we don't deserve living on the streets. We're educated. We suffer from student debt because we chose to go to college to get our use(less)ful degrees and actually do something important with our lives. Make a difference in this prosperous and progressive society. Getting a degree in gender studies. Or black history. Or film art. It doesn't matter what you decide to get in, just go get one and wave that use(less)ful piece of paper in front of all those bigots who don't believe in you. Once you actually find a job (if you do. Screw this economy), expect yourself to live the high life with your girlfriend (and her sex partners if she so desires). And with all the money you'll be getting, imagine what you can do with it! Buy a new car, go on vacation, travel to a Middle Eastern country in time for the pride parade. Think of all the possibilities! And if you aren't generating enough income, turn yourself into a victim any way possible. That could be arguing with someone on social media and saying it was because of misogyny, bring up your race and claim everything is racist, get upset when people call you a monster over your sexual preference that isn't mainstream yet. Whatever it may be, you may be eligible to receive "sympathy cash."
"Sympathy cash" is the money you receive from people who learn about your exaggerated claim of harassment on social media. After going on about how the incident drained your energy and caused you to be physically ill (regardless of whether you're responsible for your own actions or not), open up an account on one of those online donation services, post your "relief fund" link on your social media accounts, and once that's all done, expect to receive some serious "sympathy cash."
Now with all this cash flowing to you, it's important to realize that there isn't enough of it circulating around. If only there was enough money for everybody, you wouldn't have to resort to such ugly tactics. But it's alright when you do it. You earned it. Those tasty gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, free-range, halal, all-natural, kosher burritos don't come cheap. Especially when the avocado costs extra. It's not easy eating healthy in this capitalist society.
Then again, what really does it mean to be healthy? Being skinny? What if I'm hungry? I just want to eat all the time because I have a big appetite. My appearance shouldn't matter. We're all beautiful, especially on the inside. What about the world around us? We're all ultimately beautiful. Every culture, nation, belief. They're all beautiful (unless they're known to be made by or made up of white, cis bigots). If there's anything that isn't beautiful, it's anything and everything that's been established and populated by white, cis bigots. Fit people are ugly. Heterosexuality is gross. Polygamy is moral. You name it. Bash everything that made our culture the way it is. The standards that were set up are getting it's heads turned, and as our college professors indoctrinate us with their post-modern-whatever ways, we're going to do the same thing to the next generation. And they're going to do the same thing to the next. And the next. And the next. You get it? We're ugly, or at least we were. But thanks to us, the Millennials, we're going to make the world great, period (Drumpf BLOWN THE F**K OUT). Our morals, our culture, our standards must be put on trial for being so backwards within these progressive times. In order to further progress our society, the old must get thrown out and children witnessing bondage be put in. Big is beautiful. Lust for horses and kids are nothing but sexual preferences. You're a bigot if you want your girlfriend's sex life all to yourself. Got it?
You might think you're special but you failed to realize that I'm special too. Give me attention. Look. Look. Look at me. I'm constantly recording my valueless accomplishments of hitting the bong and looking at the camera in different places, and I want the whole world to see. This is me. This is my place in the world. I existed. I did something. It was fun. It has no significant importance to you, but I still want to you see it. Notice me. Me. Me. Me. The world revolves around me! Follow me on social media. Make sure you like and comment on everything I post. Follow me on social media. Don't say I'm entitled. I'm not. I'm a fair person. And remember to follow me on social media so you can get the latest in everything I do, because I'm important (despite contributing nothing of value to society). Just a second here… SELFIE!
Now don't run out and yell to the world that the Millennials are going to overshadow the baby boomers as "that terrible generation", because that's not going to happen. We're going to give jobs better wages. There's going to be equality between race and gender (even though blacks should really stop killing each other and the wage gap is a myth). Capitalism will fall as socialism rises. It doesn't matter whether you manage an automobile company or work as a cashier at a fast-food, the wealth will spread between all people and not at all I support this because I envy other people making better life choices, doing something that actually has people flocking to their ideas, creations, or services because it represents a practical and important use, letting the market determine its price. Nope. It's because I'm NOT a bigot.
And this is how us Millennials will be marked in history. We will be the ones responsible for fixing this tried and tired world that has been rusting and growing filth. We will be the ones creating an open and sustainable living environment where everybody stand as equals, just as long as you submit to us and our ways. Issues regarding to injustices and inequality around the world will not matter to us because we have to look out for ourselves. We're open. We're diverse. Not at all like the bigots such as you. And you. And you as well. People outside our upper middle class society will follow our example, and issues such as war, mass starvation, economy, housing, foreign relations, capitalizing on one's strengths, cultural heritage, and so on will become obsolete. What really matters is LGBTQ+ laws that will add additional letters throughout the years that will include taboos, have women make MORE money than men, Sharia law fully implemented in Western society, safe spaces in every school, avocados for everybody, social justice or bust (social justice is a very broad and vague term but it sounds like a good thing so it's good), and five minute breaks every hour for selfies and checking notifications! We are the Millennials. We are the future. The world is safe within our hands.
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Fun fact: The word "bigot" has been used 10 times in this essay (11 now).
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