I really like McDonald's. I eat it almost every week and there doesn't seem to be an end to this routine. I figured out how to eat healthier when I'm there and not end up like what they tell you in Super Size Me (thanks Fat Head). Eating at the famous fast food got me wanting to try so many new things found on their menu, from the Seriously Chicken burger (which seems to only be a thing in Canada) to the Ebi Filet-O in Japan. Ebi Filet-O...Ebi Filet-O...
Hey, wait a minute. Ebi Filet-O? There's a universally known item called the Filet-O-Fish. Why the hell is this shrimp burger not called Filet-O-Ebi? Too much of a mouthful? Doesn't have a good ring to it? I guess I can't argue with that. Filet-O-Ebi sounds like the name of an aborted child from a third world country (rest in peace, kid). They also have the Chicken Filet-O which is their version of the McChicken. And you might be saying "For me, it's the McChicken," but I don't believe there was any special McChicken or Chicken Filet-O sauce. Hell, the McChicken I had in Canada had nothing but lettuce some mayo. No super awesome special sauce. I guess people in the States can't get enough of fucking mayo. Spread that on everything including their ass cheeks. I might be confusing that with ranch dressing. Heard some American family putting that on everything including their coffee. Crazy shit. Enough of that, though. The Japanese McDonald's got the Teriyaki Chicken Filet-O which really smothers you with the sweet, tangy love of the Japanese. Sauce. For me, it's the Teriyaki Chicken Filet-O.
The Ebi and Chicken Filet-O really wasn't that bad in terms of their names. Filet-O-Fish just happened to sound good compared to the other two meats having "Filet-O" coming before their specialty. Nah. What's bad is trying to make something pathetic, boring as if it belonged in the bargain bin at Walmart to something luxurious and worth your time and money like staying a week at a Trump or Four Seasons hotel. We got the Bacon Lettuce Burger. One more time: the Bacon Lettuce Burger. Since when the fucking shit did lettuce become so special to a burger that they had to put it in the name? I can understand if we're talking about a lettuce wrap but that's just not the case for this. It is, honest to God and Lord almighty, a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce. That's it. I guess Bacon Lettuce Cheeseburger would've been too much, even though having cheese in a burger is some special Holy Grail shit. Adding bacon on top of that is like the second coming of Christ. But seriously, I'm not sure what but this burger baffles me and it pisses me off seeing it on the menu. Some mediocre nobody taking up a slot in my burger select. Fucking pathetic.
Then you got the Gran burgers. These are so delicious. I'm not a guy who can handle just one burger, I'm a guy who can handle three burgers, pal. Spank my butt and call me the emperor, I had the Gran Bacon Cheese and the Gran Garlic Pepper and they were awesome. Party in my mouth, babe. Real good time. Had the Gran Clubhouse just yesterday. May be closer to hitting the party 'cause that was some fine shit. Hit the club, mate. But what's up with Gran? Were they going for Grand? Why did the 'd' have to go missing? Grand sounds baller. Like it actually means shit and not some lettuce sob corner bullshit. Was the 'd' too big for the mouth? Damn, baby.
The worst offense of them all may be this one. The name that ripped me three new assholes. The name that chewed my ass and spat it out. The Teriyaki McBurger. "But, Frosted, that doesn't sound a dumb name or anything." How can you be so oblivious!? A McBurger? McBurger? McBurger? You ever heard of a McBurger before today? I thought so. They couldn't call the boy the Teriyaki Burger. It had to be special, and yet because of it, ruined the entire standard of naming conventions for the chain. You got the Double Cheeseburger, not the Double McCheeseburger. You got the Bacon Lettuce Burger, not the Bacon Lettuce McBurger. You got the Egg Cheese Burger, not the Egg Cheese McBurger. Why did the Teriyaki McBurger deserve this fate? It's good but not something that should be called a McBurger. Think about the Double Cheeseburger. That burger was an OG nigga and it didn't get some super special McTreatment. Why they pull this confusing shit?
At the end of the meal, it's McDonald's and I'm lovin' it. Even though they released an 'Adult Cream Pie' (as opposed to a regular, non-XXX cream pie, I'm guessing), they've been around the block for a long time for good reason. Just please, do something about those names. They hurt my head more than drinking too much booze on the side with my Happy Meal (looking at you, Morgan).
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